About Damn Time — When I Finally Chose Me
Six years.
For six years I engaged in a relationship with a man. Truth is, we weren’t ever actually an official couple. He wasn’t my man. I didn’t get claimed as his woman. But for six years we were in a relationship. We talked every day, throughout the whole day. He had the unspoken permission to call me at any time of the night and I would answer. Yes y’all, any time. I stayed on the phone with him until the wee hours of the morning. Even if I needed to wake up early the next day, I would entertain the conversation ‘til 3:00, 4:00 in the morning. Some of these nights we weren't even talking. He’d be on the other side playing an instrument, or telling me about a new idea he had, a new project he had come up with, or a new video I had to watch. I listened. I offered support. I also shared. We had so many things in common. When we saw each other it felt so right. At least, to me it did. I longed for the day that he would realize that we were meant to be. Throughout the six years there were times where we were distant, but after some time we somehow seemed to find our way back to each other. It was as if there was a magnetic pull between us. I was sure that my efforts of being present and available to him were to one day bring the result of us being together. Of him being my man and me being his woman. Sure enough, that day never came. I eventually realized that what I thought was a genuine interest in me and in "us" was more of an unhealthy pattern of codependency. I was stuck on the hope "what if's" and well, he seemed to believe that I would always be there...because I was.
Lesson Learned:
Be with someone who knows without a doubt that they want to be with you.
Be with someone willing to make space for you in their life, the way you are for them.
Two years.
For two years I engaged in a relationship with a man. It was the most official, unofficial relationship I had ever been in. It was sort of random how it began. One of those situations that people heard about and said, "Huh? How'd that happen?" He definitely had a way with his words. A sweet talker he was. I was intrigued by his thoughts, by the way he expressed himself. He made me feel so special. We would hang out with my family and friends. Some liked him, some didn’t. Regardless, in my eyes, everything was great. Yet that quickly spiraled...the second half of our time together was pretty awful. My self-worth had gone completely down into the dumps. He criticized the way I wore my hair, the scars on my skin, my weight. If I ever brought up how I felt about something he did, he had this uncanny ability to make it seem as if I was the one who had done something wrong. He was a pro at gaslighting me y’all. I cried. A LOT. Yet somehow I held on to hope. The hope that he would change. The hope that the words that he had expressed earlier on would eventually come to life. I later realized change was nowhere near for him. My love for him could not fix him. I had taken enough. Enough of feeling small and unworthy of love. So I made the choice to leave. God gave me the strength to leave. As torn and beat up as I was, He gave me the strength to drag myself away from the pull he had.
Lesson Learned:
You are worthy. You are loved. You are valuable. Just the way you are.
Any man who makes you feel otherwise, RUN. IMMEDIATELY.
One year and a half.
For a year and a half I engaged in a relationship with a man. Well, not really a romantic relationship. More like a friendship. He initiated contact and expressed interest. I was a bit surprised since he wasn’t my usual type. Yet he had many of the qualities I’d been praying for. He loved God, served at his church, and was generally a nice dude. We had pretty good conversations at first. Shared a number of interests. By this time I was older, more mature, had life lessons under my belt, and my mindset was different. I was in a much healthier state than the last time I had been approached by a man expressing interest. He was super nice, and also super not ready for a relationship. I heard him express that, but I didn’t listen. I did silently questioned, "So...you're reaching out to me, saying that you like me and are interested, but you're not ready for a relationship? Huh?" Yet despite my internal questions, I remained engaged. I mean, it had been a number of years since I had a man express interest in me. So I of course had to engage. Attention feels good. Come on, you know it's true. And of course, after some time, I realized he was right. He was not ready. Any time the topic of relationship came up, it was as if he froze. It would have been good to listen earlier on.
Lesson Learned:
When a man says he's not ready for a relationship, believe him.
Five months.
For five months I engaged in a relationship with a man. I met him the eve of my thirtieth birthday. A birthday I had declared would be life changing. It sure was. He had most of the qualities I had dreamed of. He was tall, dark chocolate, bald, bearded, and strong. Don’t worry, he had other things beyond appearance that I had prayed for as well. He was kind, gentle, attentive, educated, hard-working, intellectual, family oriented, wise, generous, affectionate, listened well, sensual, caring...I could go on and on. He was amazing. Yet, he could not give me what I needed and wanted. Commitment. I understood his reasons why. See, he had gone through a number of losses right before we met. It was as if the excitement of our relationship distracted him from the hurt that was lying underneath. After a couple of months of dating, I began to question the direction of where we were headed. The hurt he held seemed to creep back up for him. He could not manage dealing with his hurt, and loving me at the same time. Y’all, I'm a natural helper. Those who know me will tell you. I mean, I do this for a living (read more in my About Me). I could have stayed and offered the help he needed to deal with the pain. But after all the lessons learned, I knew I could not be in a space of waiting much longer. I loved him enough to give him the space he needed. I loved myself enough to know what I needed and wanted. In the past, I would’ve stayed longer. I would’ve waited, and waited, and waited -- and waited. This time self-love won. Was about damn time.
Lesson Learned:
It is important for me to be with a man who is responsible for his own self-care.
Today.
These lessons have helped me understand what I desire and what I need from a partner in a romantic relationship. Think about your past relationships. What lessons have you learned from them? What worked? What didn't work? What would you have done differently? Every experience offers a lesson.
What are your lessons learned? I invite you to leave your feedback in the comments...