#AdultingDecision — I Did That
At the end of last year, I made one of the most adult decisions in my adult life.
I guess the reason it feels like an adult decision, is because it’s one that I made for myself. To be clear, I made this decision, not by myself, because I consulted others (there’s wisdom in seeking good counsel). But I made it for myself. Not driven by other people’s expectations of me. Not driven by what I think other people want me to do. Not driven by fear of what others will think, do, or say. Not driven by fear of disappointing others. Not driven by fear of how challenging it may be to make it. Not driven by, “this is what I’m supposed to do.” For what feels like the first time, I made this decision based on what is best for me, right now.
It was not easy. There were tears involved, vulnerable sharing, thought-stopping exercises...I almost didn’t make it...but I did it! This was a pretty big deal for me and I am so proud of myself for it.
How did I get there you ask? Well, here is some insight into my decision-making process:
1. Ask yourself what matters most? Though there may often be many competing things of importance in our lives, when we reflect on it, there are usually a few things that truly matter most. For me, I knew that my health and my relationships were priority. Those were two things I did not want to compromise on. When I evaluated how not making this decision would impact those two areas of my life, the answer was very clear. I had to make the choice.
2. Seek counsel. Proverbs 11:14 (New King James Version) says “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” Y’all. My support system is everythang. But it’s not just anyone you’d want to seek counsel from. Make sure it’s counsel from people who truly know you, and who have your best interests at heart. I needed to make this decision separate from others’ expectations of me. I made sure that those who I leaned on for counsel were able to offer it separate from their own desires and expectations for me as well. That is key. They knew what mattered to me, they knew what my values were, they believed in me, and they reminded of me of these things throughout our conversations.
3. Expect push-back and prepare for it. I knew I would experience some push-back when I made my decision. The push-back wasn’t forceful, it was actually very gentle...and enticing. Some of the push-back made me think “Hmm, they are not wrong. Maybe I can keep doing this.” But because I had already mentally prepared for it, I knew how to recognize it when it came. It wasn’t easy, but I knew I had to stick to my guns (singing P.J. Morton’s “Sticking to My Guns” as I wrote that last line). Some folks may not understand your reasons, and that is okay. Say it with me, it is okay.
4. Stand firm. This is related to the above-mentioned. In order to prepare for expected push-back, you must stand firm. A mentor (one of the ones I sought counsel from) offered this bit of encouragement to me that was so helpful in me standing firm: “A woman may discern, but then she must be confident in her discernment and strong enough to carry it out even when other voices push against her discernment. She calls on Jesus to stand with her in the discernment.” By the time I was ready to make the decision, I knew it was the right one to make, and I knew WHY I was making it. Which leads me to my next and final step.
5. Know your WHY. Knowing your why is the foundation of this decision-making process. Why do the things in step #1 matter? My health matters because when I’m not at my best, I am no good for myself or anyone else around me. Since 2014, I have been on a journey towards my overall health; mental, emotional, and physical. It is essential for me to protect the health I have acquired as I continue towards obtaining greater health. I want to last as long as God wants me on this earth for. When I am healthy, I am at my best. As I mentioned before, my support system is everythang. Relationships hold a high value to me. It is important for me nurture them with my time, energy, love, and my best self. I believe every person in my support system is an extension of God’s love for me. It matters to me to honor these relationships with all they need in order to be nurtured and grow.
I continue to be proud of myself for making this decision. I look forward to more adult decisions to come. I look forward to having this newfound strength quiet the internal voices of second-guessing myself, to make the best decision for me. I hope the same for you too.